


Self-Defense (AKA Mace and a Fly Swatter)

by Shinigamiinochi



Category: Ah! My Goddess, Gundam Wing
Genre: Crossover, Multi, OCs - Freeform, stupid comedy
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-04-01
Updated: 2015-04-01
Packaged: 2018-03-20 18:24:48
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,472
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3660561
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Shinigamiinochi/pseuds/Shinigamiinochi
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A stupid, comedic self-defense tutorial one shot featuring the cast of Gundam Wing, Ah! My Goddess, and a ton of OC's. Warnings include stupidity and nonsensicalness.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Self-Defense (AKA Mace and a Fly Swatter)

Author’s Note: This little fic is dedicated to my friend Angie who helped me work through it. It is a strange little thing and I have never attempted anything like it since. I’m not very good with humor, I generally prefer to write angsty stuff, but I enjoyed writing this. Basically, it happened in gym class my sophomore year of high school. We had a choice between flag football and self defense. Being girls with a hatred of football and no concept of how to play, we naturally chose self defense; though it wasn’t exactly a better choice. After listening to our annoying gym teacher drone on and on and having to fill out fifty worksheets of do’s and don’ts, Angie and I came up with the idea of characters from our two favorite series (ah my goddess and gundam wing with a ton of my OC's thrown in for fun) teaching each other self defense. It made no sense then and makes less sense now, but I still find it amusing. As this is a sort of ‘instructing’ fic, you don’t need any knowledge of the other two anime to understand it, it’s just all in good fun, especially if you’re like me and you had to sit through ridiculous crap like this. Although those that have read The Road to Kindness will recognize some of these OC's.  
  
Title: Self Defense (AKA Mace and a Fly Swatter)  
Warnings: language, bashing of certain characters, random humor, cross over of series, and a little bit of cartoon violence, maybe OOC (actually, definite is a better word), short little one shot.   
  
  
You have been warned.  
  
Twenty-one people stand in a blank room. They are, of course, our sixteen ethereals plus the five Gundam Pilots. The audience feels a sense of foreboding.   
  
Shi: Hi! We’re all here ta teach y’all ‘bout… drum roll, please!  
Kit and Hi (with blank stares): Dunanananana….  
Inochi: ^^ self-defense  
Wufei: Hey! I thought that this was the bathroom?!  
Shi: Tough luck, Poofy Pants, anyhoo…  
Shinigami: Hopefully, with these techniques, you will be able to beat the fuckin’ shit out of you attacker          
Shi: Oi! I’m talking here!  
Yuri: Um, Shini, the point isn’t to hurt people  
Shinigami: *grumble* What’s the point of learning self defense if you can’t use it offensively?  
Itami: Shini…  
Shinigami: Grr, whatever  
Peorth: *cough* Now, the three things everyone should follow-  
Skuld: AAA!  
Heero: Alcoholics Anonymous Anonymous?  
Yuki: Um… no…  
Urd: Abusive Alcoholics Anonymous?  
Quatre: No  
Duo: Abusive Anime-aholics Attack?  
All sans Duo: NO!  
Peorth: I sense a reoccurring theme here  
Blaike: I believe it’s-  
Hild: Awareness  
Ling: Assessment  
Sumire: Action  
Belldandy: Duo and Wufei will demonstrate the following tactics of self-defense  
Wufei: Huh?!  
Trowa: Duo will be the victim and Wufei will be the offender  
Wufei: WHAT?! I am not an active participant in this! I refuse!  
Duo: *getting into a fighting stance* C’mon, Wu-man! Mug me!  
Wufei: *sputter*  
Shi: Lesson one!  
Kit: How to  
Hi: Correctly punch  
Together: Your assailant  
Shinigami: *snicker* Notice exhibit A  
*spotlight mysteriously turns on, shining on Relena  
Blaike: Wait a minute… I thought Wufei and Duo were doing this demonstration?  
Shi: Um, er, well, ya see… Duo’s got a mean right hook *mutter* I speak from experience… and Wu-man’s not that much of an ass… besides, it’s the perfect opportunity to use her.  
Relena: What am I doing here?! Let me go this instant!  
Shi: See?  
Blaike: Ah  
Relena: Duo, you filthy rat! I know this is your entire fault! You blah blah blah blah!  
Duo: *cracks knuckles* Oh, I am gonna enjoy this!  
Relena: W-what are you…  
*SMACK*  
Inochi: *ahem* as Duo has demonstrated, the correct way to form a fist is to not tuck in your thumb as this can result in breaking it on impact. Also, do not hit in the face, but in the stomach. This is more effective when trying to escape  
Relena: @.@ *is lying on floor, unconscious, clutching her stomach x.x  
Yuki: *snaps fingers and several chibi snow spirits drag Relena’s limp body away*  
Inochi: Next—  
Yuri: How to use your keys against a rapist-  
Duo: O.O Eep! *curls into a ball sobbing, having fanfiction flashbacks*  
Shi: Aww! Chibi! Kawaii! *cuddles him*  
Duo: Waaah! *whacks him into space with a kitchen sink he pulled out of braid space™*  
Yuri and Sumire: Ummm…  
Hi: Unconventional  
Kit: But effective  
Heero: *cuddles Duo*  
Duo: ^^ prrr…  
Shi: *back from Saturn* Sniff. Not fair  
Caroline: *appears out of nowhere and cuddles Shi* Honey! It’s ok! I’m here!  
Shi: *hits her with a frying pan and sends her flying into the sky* Grr, on’na. Oi, Shini, do we need to cover stalkers?  
Shinigami: *looks at clipboard* Yep  
Shi: Damn, looks like we’ll be needing her…  
Relena: HEEEEEERO!  
*SMACK*  
Duo: *stretches* felt even better a second time  
Ling: Um, I think we’ll be skipping the stalker bit  
Shi and Duo and Heero: Awww  
Inochi: Anyway… now Duo will demonstrate a reverse punch on Wufei since Relena has been… um… disposed of. Duo, try not to hit him too hard, ok?  
Urd: Yeah, we need him for later.  
Duo: kay!  
Wufei: Maxwell…  
Kit: Make like a mugger, Wuffles  
Skuld: -.- Coming from him, that’s kinda creepy  
Wufei: *grabs Duo’s shoulder*  
Duo: *spins around and sends a solid under kick to Wufei’s groin*  
Wufei: O.O  
Shinigami: >.< Ouch. That’s gotta hurt…  
Shi: *laughing* and once again, the kid proves that there is always a better way of doing things!  
Sumire: And the lesson here is: you don’t need to know karate if you know anatomy  
Wufei: *wheezing* Can I go now?  
Shi: ^^ nope  
Duo: *pokes at the clipboard* ‘Imposing size’?   
Shi: Looks like you fail in that section!  
Duo: *sniff* I’m short…  
Shi: *pats him on the head* aww, you’re not short, you’re compact!  
Kit: Oh, I’m sure that makes him feel much better!  
Duo: Actually, it does  
Inochi: This list rates inventory of skills and strengths of self. Let’s see… ability to project a vigilant and un-victim-like persona  
Shi: Once again, Duo fails  
Duo: Shut up!  
Shinigami: Too true, he’s just so rape-able  
Duo: Sniff  
Hi: *reading* capacity for verbal assertiveness  
Yuki: Is that, like, the ability to curse your attacker’s ear off or something?  
Kit: If so, Shi passes with flying colors  
Shi: Woohoo! #@*$ Beepbeepbeepbeepbeepbeep *censor* *censor* *censor*  
Quatre: O.O  
Trowa: *covering Quatre’s ears*  
Skuld: Lalalalalalalala  
Peorth: >.> You actually kiss your boyfriend with that mouth?!  
Shi: *grin*  
Inochi: Okkkkk… capacity for aggressive physical action  
Shi: We can skip that. Everyone here is plenty capable of ‘aggressive physical action’ AKA stabbing someone  
Inochi: Do you walk assertively?  
Shi: ‘walk assertively’? What the hell is that?!  
Inochi: I honestly have no idea. Do you walk on the outside of a sidewalk, away from doorways and shrubs?  
Duo: Hee, hee, shrubs  
Shi: But we don’t have sidewalks  
All: Oh, yeah…  
Inochi: Do you have solid dead bolt locks on your doors?  
Heero: Now that’s just being paranoid. Not everyone is out to get you  
Duo: Says Mr. Conspiracy  
Inochi: do you have effective locks or bar braces on your sliding doors and windows?  
Shi: They’re glass. Locks are kinda pointless.  
Inochi: Do you keep one of these by your bed: flashlight, whistle, or shriek alarm?   
Shi: Heero does  
Heero: I don’t have a shriek alarm  
Shi: What do you call Duo, then?  
Duo: >.> What are you getting at?  
Shi: All you need to do is yank his braid!  
Duo: Hands off the hair! And I don’t shriek  
Yuri: Children! Behave!  
Inochi: Do you check the back seat of your car before getting in?  
All: No!  
Shi: In this household, that could be hazardous to your health  
Wufei: Goddamn hentais  
Duo: You’re just saying that because you never learn to knock!  
Wufei: You don’t knock on car doors!  
Duo: Well, you should!  
Skuld: #>.>#  
Inochi: Ok, going on… last lesson, how to throw off an attacker that is attacking from behind  
Shi: No perverted thoughts  
Shinigami: Hentai  
Shi: Oi! I’m warning them not to think about it!  
Kit: Which means that you did  
Inochi: *ahem*  
Kit and Shinigami and Shi: meep  
Inochi: Duo, if you would be so kind?  
*Wufei grabs Duo around his stomach in what looks to be the Heimlich Maneuver. Duo, instead of just using the method to get him away from him, elbows Wufei in the stomach, flips him over his shoulder, and steps on him*  
Wufei: O.O Oof!  
Shi: They should call this exercise: how to tell someone you’re not choking!  
Inochi: *sigh* this was pointless  
Duo: Are we done, now?  
Shi: *pats Duo on the head* yep! Good boy! *gives him a cookie*  
Duo: *with cookie, climbs up Heero like a koala* ^^V  
Wufei: X.X I still have to go to the bathroom…  
Inochi: And this concludes yet another pointless Shii-chan tutorial production *sighs*  
  
The End   
  



End file.
